A friend asked me for an advice in a relationship related issue. Even though I don’t feel like an expert in this field, I took a challenge.
The thing was that he tries to win over a girl, who broke up with him. He was doing his best to improve, to make her impressed. The work ahead of him was hard and long, but he was not discouraged by it. He was patiently waiting until it brings its fruits.
As the time was passing, he was learning better ways to communicate his needs and to channel his anger because as he saw it, the reason for their break up was ways in which he expressed his needs.
A giant red alert blinked when I heard it, so I asked for more detailed explanation of his thoughts.
To start with, I asked her to quit smoking, drinking, going out, being overly liberal. She did it all and much more actually, but I still saw and continue to see how much more is to be changed. But even though this small issues of hers, I still wanna be with her. This is the reason I need to learn to communicate what I want in a different manner so she wouldn’t mind fulfilling it.
I looked at him and didn’t know what to reply. Should I question his will to be with her? From what I heard, I felt like he assumed that once they are back, he will straight away start changing her again. Like modeling her in clay would be a core activity of their relationship. Is it really so necessary to to change this other person? Isn’t it easier to find someone more suitable instead? And lastly is it love, when we expect our partners to be how we imagine them and not who they are?
Why is it all happening then? All this change is useless if the final result is to bring what has broken you up in the first place. Aren’t you afraid, that going back to the same patterns won’t cause the same failure?
He replied that I don’t understand and gave me a cliche about benefits which constant changes make in our lives. I could not agree about this part more. I am the ambassador of making the changes in lives. I was thinking, though, about the roots these changes should have. Isn’t the change assuming the change indeed? Is it all just a way of learning more sophisticated ways to gain exactly the same results?
I guess I wouldn’t know. I didn’t change a thing in my style which result in a totally basic look. I also did not change my Sunday routine and as a result, I am writing a post at 1 am. I won’t think of anything smart that late, but I am curious what you think about this. Let me know in the comments below.